Phil Collins versus Chuck Norris

[Mike's Mechanic]

Hey, everyone! This is posted on the group site here called "I Strongly Believe That Phil Collins Can Do Absolutely Anything," but I thought I'd post it here, too... This is a short writing thingy that I did recently, and I thought maybe you would get a kick out of it... Read on and let me know what you think! :)

PHIL COLLINS VS. CHUCK NORRIS

The gentle summer breeze blew pleasantly over the sylvan green grass of Norris Park in Collinsville, Illinois. Birds sang jubilantly in the proud oak trees, and children of all ages frolicked in bliss as the sun shone radiantly upon the land.

Suddenly, all the joyful cries and innocent dancing ceased. The birds hid beneath a blanket of leaves in stunned silence. The children ran fearfully away, and the breeze stopped as the sun retreated within a secure covering of ominous clouds.

There could only be one explanation for this eccentric, capricious change of weather. Chuck Norris lurked about Norris Park and demanded silence and darkness, spreading his arms out and simply declaring, "NOW." In his possession was a gargantuan drum kit with the initials "P.C." etched on the side of the snare. It belonged to Phil Collins, but Mr. Collins was not going to let Chuck go without a fight...

Phil Collins appeared out of the dark trees and approached Chuck Norris. As he walked, he left a trail of sunshine and song; the brilliant light started poking through the clouds, and the birds came out of hiding and began to sing happily once more.

This phenomenon confused Chuck Norris. He asked Phil Collins, "Hey, British punk. How did my silence and darkness cease to exist?"

Phil Collins smiled cheekily and replied confidently, "Don't you know, ya sissy cowboy? I invented music, and I can command sunshine to penetrate the darkness."

Chuck Norris only glared at Phil Collins, clenching his fists - but that didn't scare Phil Collins. Chuck Norris and his fists of destruction - named Law and Order - meant nothing to Phil because Chuck had Phil's drums... and he was not going to let ANYTHING stop him from getting them back, not even Chuck's third fist, which was hidden underneath his mighty, bristly beard.

"Listen up, mate," Phil Collins demanded coolly, "those are my pride 'n' joy you've got there - my kit. Now, I know it's April Fool's Day, but no one fools or tricks Phil Collins. I suggest you give them back before I unleash my invisible touch and destroy you."

"You're not funny, pal," Chuck Norris replied coldly. "My calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. NO ONE fools Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris then round-house kicked Phil Collins's drum kit, obliterating the bass drum and shattering his crash cymbals and high-hats. The snare and toms were a thing of the past as they lay in ruins before the enraged drummer.

"OY! Right, then. Destroy my drums, and I'll destroy YOUR drums!" Phil Collins raged.

Chuck Norris replied, "I don't drum anything - I pulverize!"

"That's not what I'm aiming for!" cried Phil Collins.

Phil then inhaled, gained a proper singing posture, grabbed a cordless mic out of his pants pocket, and belted out a perfect Bb (B flat) power chord. Chuck Norris did not realize that there were speakers set up all around him, and the awesomeness of Phil Collins's perfect voice caused Chuck Norris to curl up into the fetal position, begging for mercy. Phil Collins just did his version of the round-house kick on Chuck Norris's drums... his EAR DRUMS!

Chuck Norris - ever-quick to recover from attack - lashed out against Phil Collins. Chuck's hidden third fist flew from underneath his manly, bristly beard and punched Phil in the stomach. Phil bent over in surprise and pain, yet a slight hint of calculation lurked in his eyes. In an instant, Chuck Norris suddenly was not able to see because he was blinded from the sunlight that radiated and reflected off Phil Collins's bald head.

Phil Collins then regained his wind and began to run in circles around the blinded Chuck Norris. He ran and ran and ran... for several minutes. When Chuck regained his sight, he was only able to stare at him in perplexity for only one second. Then Phil gathered all his strength in an instant and began to belt out "Sussudio." Blown away by the awesomeness of the #1 1985 hit song, Chuck Norris began to cower in fear before the talented yet enraged drummer. Chuck still felt the need to fight - his chief export was PAIN, and a burning desire to ship it burrowed deep within his chest.

Chuck Norris began to round-house kick in Phil's general direction, but the plucky, resourceful drummer pulled out his trusty tambourine and tambourine-danced around Chuck's assaults. Angered even further (for no one defeats Chuck Norris), Chuck declared, "British punk, I will punch you through your SOUL!" Alerted by the threat, Phil rebuked him, retorting, "Yeah, mate? I will destroy you even further with MUSIC!" Suddenly, Mike Rutherford leapt out of the nearby bushes, double-necked Richenbacher bass in hand, and together, along with Tony Banks and his magical keyboard (who sat perched on top of a nearby sycamore), they played "I Know What I Like." Phil belted out the tune and kept time with his trusty tambourine on Mike Rutherford's head. Chuck Norris was so blown away by the killer Banksian synth, the hard-rockin' Rutherfordian bass, and Phil's amazing vocals and time-keeping that he exploded in the middle of Norris Park.

Phil Collins and his bandmates walked toward the remains of the monstrous drum kit, the toms, snares, cymbals, and bass lying in shambles all around them. Phil stepped toward the destroyed kit and sang a revitalizing warm-up (F-G-A-Bb!!!!). Magically, the kit of wonders was restored; the drums were reassembled perfectly, and the cymbals hung over the toms proudly, shimmering in the sunshine. Phil sat behind his kit with pride and drummed a few licks before packing up and heading home with his band mates.

Before they could depart, though, the Collinsville news reporters approached Phil and the gang in a massive swarm after observing the unreal explosion and hearing the earth-shaking, heavenly drumming in the park.

"What happened here?" asked a reporter.

The reporter's microphone pointed toward the drummer, so he replied, "Well, I'll tell you wot. Chuck Norris stole my drum kit, so I came to take it back."

"Where is Chuck Norris?" another reporter inquired.

"Oy," Phil said, looking at the place in which Chuck Norris combusted. "Let's just say that he couldn't take the heat!"

Since that day, the whole world came to know that Phil Collins could do absolutely anything - even take on Chuck Norris... and WIN.

The end! :)

[Lauren Can't Dance]

WOW!!!!!!! AWESOME STORY!!!!! I was in a slightly bad mood, and that cheered me right up!

My favorite line from the story was when Phil said, "I invented music, and I can command sunshine to penetrate the darkness." What would music be like without Phil? I shudder at the thought, but it wouldn't be the same without him! And yes, Phil can command sunshine to penetrate the darkness because all he has to do is sing, and it puts a smile on my face!

Do you have anymore awesome Phil tales to tell?

[SjDrummerGirl]

I loved it! Bloody brilliant! It just goes to show ya, Phil can do anything!
I hope he reads it. It made me laff ..
Sj

[Prionsias (Monkeyzulu)]

Well done!
Now try Googling " find chuck norris" and click on the I feel Lucky option, not the search one.

:-)

[Bill]

Excellent job Mike's Mechanic! That was well thought out and put together. It brightened up my day, thanks for writing/sharing that with all of us. You should do a story for all the G members :)

[Kendra]

WELL I'LL TELL YOU WOT!

Well done, M'sM, that was fantastic...and very much hilarious! :-)

[bex/geosprite]

"Suddenly, Mike Rutherford leapt out of the nearby bushes..."
I wonder how many times he's read THAT line before...

*cough*

[Mike's Mechanic]

Thanks, everyone! I'm so happy that you all like it!!! :D I was hoping you wouldn't think it was stupid. :)

LCD - Awww, thanks! That's kinda what I had in mind when I wrote it; Phil puts a huge smile on my face when he sings and drums, and he always brings sunshine in my life, too. ^_^ So glad it cheered you up! I don't have anymore tales at the moment... but boredom may call me into writing more... >:D

Sj - Thank you very much! I was kinda wondering if I should send it to the man himself. Do you think he'd think I'm crazy?? o.O*

Monkeyzulu - Thanks! I did what you told me to do... HAHAHAHA! That was awesome! "you don't find Chuck Norris - Chuck Norris finds YOU." That's awesome! :)

Bill - Thank you very much; I appreciate it! I'm so glad that it brightened up your day - YAY! :D And I would LOVE to write about all of our favorite guys. Do you have any ideas? :)

Kendra - HEE HEE! Thanks. ^_^ I'm glad that you liked it, too. I tried to make him sound as British as possible, considering I'm a young American girl, haha. I've listened to him speak enough that I thought it could work... :)

Bex: Hey, now - what does that mean? Maybe I should've made him leap out of something... uhhh... taller? Because I guess those would have to be some HUGE bushes. Is that what you're insinuating??? o_O* Awww, I love Mike. ^_^

Thanks again, everyone. I was so happy to see that it made you guys have a better day! YIPPIE!! :D *dances on a volcano!*

[Bill]

I will try and brainstorm if anything comes to mind (anything good lol) I will send you a message M'sM ;)

[ssudio]

ROFL-what a hoot! This rivals any "fan fic" on the net! ;) (or so I'm told, since I don't read fan fic. LOL)

[Kittenmommy]

Oh my... LMAO!